I'm so bored that I'm starting to feel sick and depressed. I need a job. Also my laptop is dying.

Me: OMG NEW MOON
speaking of crazy

Rachel:lol
i may be going on fri...
if we get our act together

Me: ooh you are brave, so brave

Rachel: lol

Me: there's no way i'm going until at least monday
OH THE LULZ WE SHALL HAVE

Rachel: lol
i will be the only one lusting after chaske spencer...so i will have the most lulz

Me: oh i think i will have the most lulz

Rachel: LOL

Me: we should have a lulz-off

Rachel: keep track then

Me: i will have a spreadsheet

Rachel: lulz per minute

Me: graphs, charts, etc

Rachel: screams of fangirls per second
VENN DIAGRAMS?

Me: YES

In general. With myself. I had it really well articulated about an hour ago but I've since lost it. Basically I am sad that I'm no fun on my own. I should be able to go out and make friends and do stuff, but I don't/can't. I'm supposed to go out Monday with Sarah and people to celebrate her thesis being done but I don't want to because going out to the bars with people invariably makes my self-esteem completely disappear even though I wish I could do it and have fun. Basically I feel lame but doing things that should make me feel less lame only make me feel more lame. And lame isn't even the right word-it's more like "horrifically, painfully, uncureably awkward and awful".

But I've found a cool thing that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, if everything pans out and I have a giant stroke of luck, this decision might have been a really good one.

From DU's LIS program website:
"Early Childhood Librarianship Fellowship

The University of Denver's (DU) Library and Information Science (LIS) program will be fully-funding 10 student fellowships with a specialization in Early Childhood Librarianship to begin in the fall of 2010. As a specialization, DU-LIS is one of the first Master's of Library and Information Science (MLIS) programs in the country to develop coursework and learning experiences in an interdisciplinary, experiential learning framework in consultation with public library, child development, and early childhood education partners.

The primary goal of this project is to increase the number of MLIS-degreed librarians who are prepared to serve the early literacy needs of very young children (0-5 years), caregivers, families, educators, and community coalitions in Colorado. This goal will be achieved with funding sup­port for 10 student fellowships for completion of the DU MLIS using experiential learning in at least 5 part­ner public libraries and at least 5 early childhood education centers, and an interdis­ciplinary curriculum including LIS coursework and Child, Family, and School Psychology (CFSP) coursework in brain development, language acquisition, and special needs.

This project is designed to provide fellow­ship recipients with extensive coursework and direct experiences in the settings most pertinent to early childhood literacy. The coursework has been chosen to include classes in brain research and child development in order to better understand some of the principles behind framework such as Every Child Ready to Read©. MLIS fellows will be placed in public libraries and pre­schools, with an emphasis on diversity of programs and populations. Fellows will also take con­versational Spanish, as Colorado and other states have a significant percentage of Spanish speaking residents."

I think maybe, maybe, although I could be jinxing, maybe maybe I could get this. Maybe. If I super try and am lucky. Maybe. And it would be glorious.

I think I can deal with things if I know I have a support network. As in, when I am around people, like now since I am in a Panera, I feel okay--not great, but okay. But when I get back to the B&B and start thinking about how totally alone I am, I flip out. I honestly don't think I'll have a problem living alone or getting a full-time job or anything, but the knowledge that if I need someone I cannot access them just kills me, like I can't breathe or think and I freak out. So what I have done during this horrible week is learn about myself and my limits--namely, that I really need to be closer to home right now. My awe of those of you who've moved far away has not decreased at all, btw. You guys are amazing.

I think (actually I'm just about positive) that I'm going home. I just could not handle this--it was more than just homesickness, I believe. Everytime I'd even think about living here till Christmas, or even about the town or the school, I'd feel like throwing up. I got food poisoning the day I arrived and haven't been able to eat anything but crackers or focus at all. If I hurry I can get my student loans cancelled, and while there might be a fee anything is better than being $70,000 in debt and horrifically miserable. I just don't feel like I should be here at all--I feel like I should be at home. My respect for all of my friends who have moved away and been able to stand it is now increased by about 10 fold though. There's just no way I can keep feeling the way I'm feeling. I cannot do this. So I'm going home, and I'll apply for full-time jobs and look for an apartment and hopefully find someone to rent this room in the B&B so that I don't have to keep paying rent on it all year. But even if I do, it will be better than being here. Sometimes I think we try things and they are just not going to work out. This was one of those things.

This is horrible. I've never felt this bad in my entire life. It's okay when I'm with people or driving or doing something, but when I come back to this room I feel so so sad and alone and awful. I'm nauseous and I've thrown up several times. All I want to do is sleep or call my family or go home. But I can't go home. I don't want to be here. I am so alone out here and there's nothing I can do about it. People ask me what is so bad about being alone, but I never ever thought it would be this awful. Sometimes I don't feel like I can handle the way I'm feeling. I have a therapy appointment next monday and that helped a little today, but as soon as I came back here I went down again. I need to shower and do things like apply for jobs but I can't. I can't go shower because I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I cannot stand feeling like this. I absolutely hate it. How did you guys manage to leave? I feel like all I want to do is sleep. all i want to do.

Me: BECOME JENSEN'S KEPT WOMAN
there's a career plan for you

Rachel: THAT IS THE BEST PLAN EVER
WHERE CAN I GO FOR A DEGREE IN THIS
HE CAN KEEP ME ANYWHERE
well, mostly

Me: LOOK INTO IT

Rachel: i do have SOME scruples

Me: you lie

Rachel: **shifty eyes**
dear jensen,
i have given up on my academic goals, and now have no place in which to put my talents to work
therefore, i ask you to use my body as freely as you like
because that makes so much sense
in regards to my brain
please respond promptly
xxoo
me

Me: AHAHAHAHA
genius!
...you do realize where this is going

Rachel: NOOOOOOOO!

Me: oh yes

Rachel: IT ISN'T EVEN THAT FUNNY
really
like
the last part doesn't even make sense
ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?
hello?

Me: sorry
I WAS BUSY POSTING THAT TO MY BLOG

me: OH MY GOD MIA FROM DEGRASSI IS IN THAT NEW SHOW VAMPIRE DIARIES
marty: I THINK WE TALKED ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY.
me: NO WE TALKED ABOUT HOW SHE WAS IN CAMP ROCK. YOU ARE SUCH A DINGUS.
marty: NO YOU ARE A DINGUS.
me: NO YOU ARE A DINGUS.
marty: NO YOU ARE A DINGUS.
me: I WANT YOU TO TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS RIGHT NOW THAT YOU ARE A GIANT DINGUS.
marty: NO I REFUSE.
me: DO IT.
marty: NO I WILL NOT.
me: IF YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU THESE HILARIOUS ANTEATER PICTURES I AM LOOKING AT YOU WILL DO IT.
marty: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN'T FIND THEM MYSELF?
me: YOU CANNOT.
marty: HOW DO YOU KNOW?
me: I WILL CUT OFF YOUR HANDS.
marty: I DOUBT IT.

Rachel: not so much ANGST

Me: but three times the COCKS

Rachel: i guess she will pick jared letoette
cause he saw her frst

Me: ha
and also he has a hat

Rachel: which means he is virile and manly

Me: BUT
ben miles has a piano

Rachel: this is true

Me: well, that prolly means he is gay

Rachel: well, i was going to say artsy and sensitive
but there you have it

Me: hahaha

...

Rachel: that guy is totally wearing a beard held on by elastic

Me: FABULOUS
like Death in the hogfather
whoa she has an awesome coat

Rachel: the clothes are much better

Me: yes, we are out of the 1830s thank god
and all the angels

...

Rachel: it may be the vicar if he loosens up.

Me: but vicars never do

Rachel: you can tell by his very tight cravat

Me: plus, dick dewey has an alliterative name and a heart of gold
and he tills the land

Rachel: with his large strong hands

Me: and PUPPEH

...

Me: ok dick is srsly stupid

Rachel: but he is still gonna marry her

Me: well yeah
i guess instead of talking they could just have sex
all the time

Rachel: here we go, sex in the bushes

Me: thats all poor stupid dick is good for really

Rachel: hehe

Me: god he's so drooly
weird acting choice

Rachel: well, it does sort of up the whole repugnance factor

Me: i guess
the drool is one of the few things that make him a worse choice than gilbert
the other thing being the beatings

Rachel: yes...looming and hooking vs. beating and drooling

Me: ahahahaha
WHICH WILL YOU CHOOSE?

...

Me: god
soooo creepy

Rachel: lol
he's looking at her like she's pudding

Me: mmmm pudding
wait, you look at pudding like that?

Rachel: yes
I LOVE PUDDING

Me: in a sexual way?

Rachel: no
i was implying some kind of food and that was the first that came to mind

...

Rachel: gilbert gave up very easily

Me: yes well
he is probably looming creepily about the grounds
hooking people

Rachel: staring at everyone

...

Me: UH OH, he is in danger of romance novel shirt!

Rachel: only a few more buttons!
of course the hacking and all kind of takes away the romanticness...

Me: but he's so pale
and dashing

Rachel: and sickily
and drooly
and beaty
and crazy

Me: ok fine!

Rachel: NOT EVEN A ROMANCE SHIRT CAN SAVE THAT

...


Me: MY DREAM IS TO LOOM OVER YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY
MY CRAZY LOVE

Rachel: sneer, loom, hulk

Me: teeth teeth teeth

Rachel: hook hook hook

Me: and scene

Rachel: arthur is like whataver guys

Me: srsly, he is so used to crazy parental BS

Rachel: ROFL
angsty credit music
woo woo woo

Rachel: do you think that all bbc actors can just break down and minuet at this point?

Me: OH GOD I HOPE THEY HAVE MINUET PARTIES

Rachel: they had better

...

Me: HOLY MOSES WHY ARE THEY ALL DRESSED LIKE THIS

Rachel: the hair is getting exponentially crazier

Me: haaa
the 1830s were like the 80s of the 1800s

...

Rachel: i'll bet he has "business"

Me: COCKS

Rachel: ANGST

Me: the brontes, in a nutshell

Rachel: well, slightly lighter on the cocks

Me: i suppose
IMPLIED COCKS

Rachel: hehe

...

Rachel: now he is just being silly

Me: it's sleeve madness i tells you!
or syphilis

Rachel: prolly that

Me: SLEEVE SYPHILIS

Rachel: A HORRIBLE AFFLICTION

Me: MAKES JOLLY NAKED RUPERT GRAVES SOOOOO ANGRY

Sarah: Daily Camera headline: "Nudist claims landlord discrimination"

Me: So intriguing!

Sarah: Someday we'll make headlines like that friend

Me: You be the nudist though.

Sarah: "Nudist friends lead parade"

Me: Best parade ever?

Sarah: Yes, so free. Or "Nudist friends run for office"

Me: "Nudist friends take over world"

Sarah: "Foreign powers bow to nudist friends"

Me: "Nudist friends hold Mongol hordes at bay"

Rachel: apparently jensen ackles is a candidate for captain america.
Me: ...hmm...
Rachel: i know, i am not so sure.
Me: i thought captain america was dead?
Rachel: i assume this is pre-death.
Me: or a very boring movie.
Rachel: "Call Captain--oh."
Me: **awkward pause**
Rachel: **roll credits**

Me (on Zachary Quinto): he is cute in a very very intellectual way
like if you had a sexy professor character
or pharmacist maybe

Rachel: mmm...sexy pharmacist
dammit rachel, now i am trying to figure out how to make pharmacology interesting

Me: hee
make him a sexy pharmacist of the oooooold west
and also a jew
he looks jewish

Rachel: i believe it he is Italian...not teh jew
also i am afraid that even the oooooold west would not make it interesting

Me: well it could be more a heartwarming story
like maybe he is supposed to become a rabbi
but he loves pharmacology more than anything!
...

Rachel: ROFLMAO

Me: except the sexy jewish lady who just rolled into town
she is all mysterious
and he must use his pharmacy skillz to figure out her mystery!
also maybe she is addicted to laudanum
or sarsaparilla
i would buy the hell out of that book

Rachel: oh noes! not sasparilla!
lol
but...
well, i'll do some research
you know, i don't know if i could ever write jewish characters

Me: they better sing, that's all i'm sayin

Rachel: lol
that would be hard to convey in print

Sarah: Oh yeah, you should try Nutella, it's like a chocolate spread.

Me: Yeah, I've heard that the British eat it out of the jar, like we do with peanut butter.

Sarah: Pretty much, it's delicious.

Me:...I feel like I would just end up double fisting them until I died, though. Until I exploded. And I'd have, like, a drinking hat full of whole milk on my head. It would be like a deconstructed Reese's. You aren't allowed to tell my parents if I go that way though.

Rachel: how was philly btw?

Me: eh
the city was fairly lame

Rachel: but it is the city of brothers what love eachother!

Me: but the reading market (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reading_Terminal_Market) and the mutter museum were pretty fab
there was also a super hot irish grocer fellow at the reading market

Rachel: coool@ food AND hot guys

Me: i discussed nut balls with him
yeah you would like it

Rachel: i'm sure you did, you dirty girl

Me: PINEAPPLE nut balls
PINEAPPLE NUT BALLS
i laughed so hard

Rachel: lol

Me: his grocery made delicious honey tangerine juice

Rachel: minus the innuendo, they sound pretty good...did you make him promise you some for your dowry?

Me: um, no
ROAD TRIP

Rachel: LOL
cause what is better than an irish sheep farmer in ireland? and irish grocery store boy in philly. *nods*

Me: oh yes
who can make me juice
and has nut balls

Rachel: and how

Me: PINEAPPLE nut balls
oh god it is never not funny

Rachel: ROFL

Me, to Sarah: Gosh I love garlic.

S: Garlic better watch out.

Me: Don't worry, ours is a love both pure and true.

Your results are in! You are...
The Priss Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLD)

Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.

Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You’re highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You’d take brutal honesty over superficiality any time—your friends always know where they stand with you. You’re completely unfake. Don’t tell me that’s not a word. You’re also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.

These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you’re pregnant. LOL. Though you’re inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it’s not as one of mass destruction. You’re choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you’re really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.

Rachel: I will eat some soup! I am enjoying my new-found culinary skill.

Me: Oh, I hope I find out that I have that. It would come in handy.

Rachel: You know, it's really not as hard as everyone makes it seem...

Me: Really? That's reassuring.

Rachel: Yeah, very rarely will you have to, like, flambe, and then...turn a triple axel in the air above it.

Me: Good to know.